Lately, I've been struggling for an identification. I'm struggling for the comprehension of so many broad concepts; language, labels, emotions. What are these things? We know them and identify them in their own existence but what's to say that it's concrete. Ambiguity and generality reigns supreme and I'm finding it hard to not be taken with the tide. Refusing to nod in agreement 'just because', I'm being devoured. Thoughts surround me and enforce a coat of indignation and resentment.
Unable to get past these things, everything is being depreciated. My head is bobbing not but a breath above water and I'm having that out of body experience where you watch yourself, in all of your faults and (for that matter) all the faults inherited by humanity. I'm encompassed. Confined and marinating. Literally drowning in my own confines. Trying to understand how I'm using my thought process, thoughts actualized in language, to somehow transform confines to fluid clarity, floating in free space.
I'm struggling with morality and self worth and whys and hows and pieces of the puzzle that are forming epiphanic moments full of lucid limitation. Experimentation is a hazy line to walk; where you're never quite sure of whether you're evolving the you you once were or are completely deviating into something that could be just dangerous or even worse redundant.
Individuality basks in the glow of those who have already traversed these ambiguities, where dirt is road and road is wilderness and none of us know where we are going until we've already been there. I think we make limits as protections. What's to be done if we fall from a peak that has never been climbed? Once broken, we can never be put back together just as before...we can never go back to being unbreakable. Boundaries make us invincible.
The only time I feel any freedom is when I find myself caught in a moment, free of self scrutiny, morality, boundary; free of judgment---free of society, only floating below my mind. These moments rush through my veins so quickly I know they will leave tracks, but it takes time for them to sear into the previously damaged tissue.
We're all fucked up, in one way or another. We all have therapies, most of which are to the disapproval of society. Some of us run away; we hide, we pretend, we rationalize. Others of us run toward; we indulge, we forget, we wake in the dawn of danger. We hurt you because we hurt ourselves.
I'm just beginning to understand that our fevers burn us deeper than we'll ever know.
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