I read a poem once that explained that we contain all our years at once. That when we turn 5 we are really just 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 all at once. So the older you are, the more you are in terms of person, emotion, understanding, experience--and it goes on and on and on.
It's why you can be so mature and then have something small happen and feel completely defeated. It's why sometimes you get stupid again---you make mistakes big girls don't make, you cry when you shouldn't, you pout when you don't when you don't get your way.
Think of yourself as a sundae. Can you imagine 19 toppings on a sundae. It's overwhelming. Today I thought about how simplistic life was. When all I had was rainbow sprinkles, whip cream, a cherry on top, and a smile on my face, I had no concern or fear or sense of relation to that bowl. I was just living because that's what I was and I was just eating because someone placed it in front of me. When you're little you don't understand.
But I also realize that for everything I add, something is taken away. I know that I no longer have the innocence I once did. Things have become more messy and more murky in clarity. Ambiguity reigns supreme in Life's sundae.
Now. Life has given me 19 toppings. I'm not always sure what I'm supposed to do with this bowl in front of me, but I know I want it in front of me. I know that I've picked my toppings well. I know that anything contained with in that bowl is something I'm proud of, even if I shouldn't be. Because even moments I've regreted have made me. I've assembled myself. You know what....I'm a kick-ass sundae.
If I ever get overwhelmed, my bowl still contains the rainbow sprinkles, whip cream, and a cherry on top.
--and when I see my reflection, there's a smile on my face.
10 November 2008
08 November 2008
I smile...even when logic says to frown...I smile
So--I bought a whole bunch of york peppermint patties today, and I thought about you for the first time in a long time. Which is weird because you are hanging above my computer in two pictures....nestled in the life I used to know and beside people I still love and care deeply for.
I thought it was weird how as soon as my hand touched the crinkled foil, I thought of you. I could see you eating one of them in my memory and how excited you got. I also think that it was strange, to say in the least, that it was that glint of a moment that sprang to my mind. How the world seemed to stop while I was watching you eat that york in all of your eccentricities, with a grin on your face and some rock band playing in the background. I hope that the next time I touch a york something else comes to mind
Like how my mom and I used to eat them when we were pulling out of the gas station. Those gas stations of the past that were labeled $1.26/gal unleaded. I would rather that memory because yours holds less value to me than the past price of gas.
I also thought it was interesting that only in the analysis do I feel any bitterness. That when the memory occurred I didn't feel anything, I just saw you eating chocolate with a slowed grin...it was complete indifference. I didn't acknowledge the moment, I didn't think about what led us here, and I certainly didn't think about how things would have been if things hadn't been and hadn't happened.
so thanks for the memories---even if they weren't that good *the yorks nestled in a closed drawer
I wouldn't have it any other way :) We've moved on...I'll open the drawer and eat them sometime--I'll think of my mom instead and if my thoughts turn to you, they'll be thoughts of indifference, just like the last...We've moved on
I'm sitting here alone in silence with the exception of my thoughts. With the exceptions of these words and the clacks of the keys as I apply understanding through letters. I'm trying to learn from the world. I'm learning from you, I'm learning from her, I'm learning from him. I read it in a book, I saw it on TV, I heard it through the grapevine. I'm not leaving, but I'm not staying. Damned if I know where I'm going or where I'll end up but....
I'm going with my music blaring and the top down....and as we pass---you know a smile will be on my face. Because that's what happy people do.
We smile for no reason.....and at the same time
We smile for all reason
I thought it was weird how as soon as my hand touched the crinkled foil, I thought of you. I could see you eating one of them in my memory and how excited you got. I also think that it was strange, to say in the least, that it was that glint of a moment that sprang to my mind. How the world seemed to stop while I was watching you eat that york in all of your eccentricities, with a grin on your face and some rock band playing in the background. I hope that the next time I touch a york something else comes to mind
Like how my mom and I used to eat them when we were pulling out of the gas station. Those gas stations of the past that were labeled $1.26/gal unleaded. I would rather that memory because yours holds less value to me than the past price of gas.
I also thought it was interesting that only in the analysis do I feel any bitterness. That when the memory occurred I didn't feel anything, I just saw you eating chocolate with a slowed grin...it was complete indifference. I didn't acknowledge the moment, I didn't think about what led us here, and I certainly didn't think about how things would have been if things hadn't been and hadn't happened.
so thanks for the memories---even if they weren't that good *the yorks nestled in a closed drawer
I wouldn't have it any other way :) We've moved on...I'll open the drawer and eat them sometime--I'll think of my mom instead and if my thoughts turn to you, they'll be thoughts of indifference, just like the last...We've moved on
I'm sitting here alone in silence with the exception of my thoughts. With the exceptions of these words and the clacks of the keys as I apply understanding through letters. I'm trying to learn from the world. I'm learning from you, I'm learning from her, I'm learning from him. I read it in a book, I saw it on TV, I heard it through the grapevine. I'm not leaving, but I'm not staying. Damned if I know where I'm going or where I'll end up but....
I'm going with my music blaring and the top down....and as we pass---you know a smile will be on my face. Because that's what happy people do.
We smile for no reason.....and at the same time
We smile for all reason
05 November 2008
.....as we pass among ourselves
Sometimes I look at the world, and I really think "All of this is mine to make what I wish". Then other times I think "Shit, what am I making".
You hope that...somehow when its all said and done--someone will be better for it.
But who is this someone? This strange person you have yet to meet. The person who will become your best friend. The person you'll hate at first but grow to like. The person you've hated from the beginning. Who are you? What are you about?
Can I trust you, can I trust myself, can I be loyal to you? How will things end up?
Okay
first, breathe in and out and in and out---and do this so many times until you forget the difference in the exchange. Forget you're breathing. Forget that you're functioning or taking action and just do. Be a machine for one second of your day and allow yourself to work without thinking.
Don't open your mouth--just listen. Listen to the world. The world that has been speaking for so long---the scuttle of squirrels feet as they run past you, below you, above you. Listen to words being generated as they walk by. Listen to silence. Listen to your body, listen to your needs, listen to your wants.
There are so many other wonderful lives around us that we simply walk past. We don't acknowledge them and they return the favor. We drift by each other already cut-off. Already separated by the tiles between us. Smile. Smile at them. Make yourself known---acknowledge that there are lives outside yourself. We know they are there---but to actually recognize them as more than just living--to understand that they have thoughts, however different from your own, that rush across their minds. They have instincts and impulses that they deprive or indulge. They have regrets. They have successes.
To realize that they too are carving out a place for themselves in the now that becomes history....they are making decisions---discovering things about themselves---and maybe, if you're lucky...they are wondering about you.
And maybe that will be the only impact you have on them....maybe you will be their epiphany by simply existing. Perhaps you will be nameless, perhaps you will be that guy on the red bike who changed my life forever. And, yet again, perhaps you won't. Perhaps we'll continue to walk by each other in silence...
just dots on the pages of history will pass between us
........
but we'll always have perhaps and maybe. And in those words lays a potential energy; an energy as malleable as the world we are walking in. We can shape them....just as they shape ourselves.
........
You hope that...somehow when its all said and done--someone will be better for it.
But who is this someone? This strange person you have yet to meet. The person who will become your best friend. The person you'll hate at first but grow to like. The person you've hated from the beginning. Who are you? What are you about?
Can I trust you, can I trust myself, can I be loyal to you? How will things end up?
Okay
first, breathe in and out and in and out---and do this so many times until you forget the difference in the exchange. Forget you're breathing. Forget that you're functioning or taking action and just do. Be a machine for one second of your day and allow yourself to work without thinking.
Don't open your mouth--just listen. Listen to the world. The world that has been speaking for so long---the scuttle of squirrels feet as they run past you, below you, above you. Listen to words being generated as they walk by. Listen to silence. Listen to your body, listen to your needs, listen to your wants.
There are so many other wonderful lives around us that we simply walk past. We don't acknowledge them and they return the favor. We drift by each other already cut-off. Already separated by the tiles between us. Smile. Smile at them. Make yourself known---acknowledge that there are lives outside yourself. We know they are there---but to actually recognize them as more than just living--to understand that they have thoughts, however different from your own, that rush across their minds. They have instincts and impulses that they deprive or indulge. They have regrets. They have successes.
To realize that they too are carving out a place for themselves in the now that becomes history....they are making decisions---discovering things about themselves---and maybe, if you're lucky...they are wondering about you.
And maybe that will be the only impact you have on them....maybe you will be their epiphany by simply existing. Perhaps you will be nameless, perhaps you will be that guy on the red bike who changed my life forever. And, yet again, perhaps you won't. Perhaps we'll continue to walk by each other in silence...
just dots on the pages of history will pass between us
........
but we'll always have perhaps and maybe. And in those words lays a potential energy; an energy as malleable as the world we are walking in. We can shape them....just as they shape ourselves.
........
24 October 2008
Staring at the sun in all of its glory - a revelation of beauty
So--when thinking about life in general, I tend to boarder on an edge. I usually am looking below me, around me, above me. I'm looking for answers and find instead questions. I'm looking for a pathway--but instead I find obstacles. I'm often overwhelmed by tipping myself over the edge and falling. When one moves their head so face, attempting to soak up every image, a dizzying effect is gained. Fear consumes with the thought; the thought of falling. I don't know what is at the bottom and I wasn't always sure who would catch me.
I think I've finally figured. It's where I'm looking that isn't making sense. The act of dizzying myself by looking. It's where I'm looking that is providing my own vertigo. It's, ultimately, myself who can always catch me and I will ALWAYS have me.
I have this one place. This one place where I'm standing in my life right now. I'm moving without deliberated motion. I'm choosing without making choices. And I can't explain exactly why everything is happening. Somethings are degraded by language and understanding. Somethings just are. Without rhyme or reason they exist, they affect, they alter, they change all together into something different. This is okay.
Right now I've decided to look at where I'm standing. It's a beautiful place, now that I've gathered enough sense to look at it. It's not always bright and daisy like, but the juxtaposition and chiaroscuro contained in my little plot of life is balanced. The composition is quite breath taking. I've decided to take it all in. To appreciate this plot of ground, to remain standing where I do, and to continue allowing life to serve whatever it may. I can deal with it when it comes. What cares do I have otherwise. I don't.
I am, overall, glad. Bursting with energy and anticipation for the next day. Knowing that I can breathe and live. Knowing that my plot of life is mine own and I may leave and then again I may return.
I am happy. Happy with myself, my prospects. Falling epiphanies from the branches of my brain; I am happy. I am contented that I am in control of me. I am joyous that I can appreciate in the now, instead of looking back and regretting how I'm feeling at this moment. Wishing that I had lavished more of myself in the warm soil that is me, that is my life, that is my choice.
Challenge yourself. Just do it. Serve your eggs sunny side up and imagine a smile in the yolk. Treat yourself to inward thinking without feeling selfish. Indulge in everyones' company because they'll teach you (even lessons you won't want to learn will further your own process). Surround yourself in your moods' ambiance...and decide.
Decide whether you are happy or will become happy. If you aren't; Change. Change the world. Change your luck. Change your life. Move to a different plot of land until you are happier than you've ever been before. Do what is right for you and bathe in the feelings surrounding. Walk in the light of yourself.
Experience....just because you can.
And if you feel you can't Trust Yourself; Trust me.
You Can :)
I think I've finally figured. It's where I'm looking that isn't making sense. The act of dizzying myself by looking. It's where I'm looking that is providing my own vertigo. It's, ultimately, myself who can always catch me and I will ALWAYS have me.
I have this one place. This one place where I'm standing in my life right now. I'm moving without deliberated motion. I'm choosing without making choices. And I can't explain exactly why everything is happening. Somethings are degraded by language and understanding. Somethings just are. Without rhyme or reason they exist, they affect, they alter, they change all together into something different. This is okay.
Right now I've decided to look at where I'm standing. It's a beautiful place, now that I've gathered enough sense to look at it. It's not always bright and daisy like, but the juxtaposition and chiaroscuro contained in my little plot of life is balanced. The composition is quite breath taking. I've decided to take it all in. To appreciate this plot of ground, to remain standing where I do, and to continue allowing life to serve whatever it may. I can deal with it when it comes. What cares do I have otherwise. I don't.
I am, overall, glad. Bursting with energy and anticipation for the next day. Knowing that I can breathe and live. Knowing that my plot of life is mine own and I may leave and then again I may return.
I am happy. Happy with myself, my prospects. Falling epiphanies from the branches of my brain; I am happy. I am contented that I am in control of me. I am joyous that I can appreciate in the now, instead of looking back and regretting how I'm feeling at this moment. Wishing that I had lavished more of myself in the warm soil that is me, that is my life, that is my choice.
Challenge yourself. Just do it. Serve your eggs sunny side up and imagine a smile in the yolk. Treat yourself to inward thinking without feeling selfish. Indulge in everyones' company because they'll teach you (even lessons you won't want to learn will further your own process). Surround yourself in your moods' ambiance...and decide.
Decide whether you are happy or will become happy. If you aren't; Change. Change the world. Change your luck. Change your life. Move to a different plot of land until you are happier than you've ever been before. Do what is right for you and bathe in the feelings surrounding. Walk in the light of yourself.
Experience....just because you can.
And if you feel you can't Trust Yourself; Trust me.
You Can :)
21 October 2008
We all fall down....so how shall we pick ourselves up?
I live my life. The way I live it is the right way for me. If I didn't think it was the right way--I wouldn't allow it to be such a determinant factor in something so important. It is life, after all, that is all we have. We know of nothing but life....it is our world. We know not of death, we can not comprehend the opposite of being, and I can not see the backs of my eyelids though they are there-- Some of us live for this unknown. And others, still, live for the fear of not knowing. But there are those who are no longer in existance. I don't know anything about that--I can sympathize, I can hurt because of it, and I can see how a loss of their person affects my person.
All I can say is that I know of me. My life.
I just live. Just as I often just am. Just as I often just do.
I can not plot to hurt. I can not scheme for my own benefit. (...and further more what benefit have you seen me to reap from this situation *losing my brother, tearing my family, hurting you hurting me being sorry but not regretting not understanding...the same misunderstanding of life and experiencing an unbeing of being. An existence without name after all is a negation of language; a negation of being. But here I am. I'm still breathing, I'm still going, I'm still here, I still feel, I....I....I don't want to make things worse. I don't trust what is pouring out of my heart right now, but I know it has to go somewhere. Here is where it will rest.
I hate making this about me. Because, in the end, it's about us. But you want nothing to do with us right now, so I'm left with no other choice. No other alternative. I know you aren't ready for us yet, but I'm waiting for it. I'm ready for us. I'm ready to talk--but you need your time, and I can't control how much you may need. I can only respect it. I will respect the way you've initiated this, even though I don't support it.
In lieu of what has happened- I will not recount- I will tell you everything me has to say. I go through stages; through waves of emotions; sadness, indifference, anger, confusion, frustration, relief, release, anxiety--nearly everything but happiness. This situation, in my opinion, doesn't allow any breed of happiness for anyone-- I say this in search of insight, not to denounce your feelings or how you are going about this---but what solution does your equation produce? I'll trust that a complete separation solves something, but what?
Me: me feels-- and the thoughts coursing through my brain are disconnected through the shock you presented. Here they are...
-completely blind sighted. You didn't confront me before you cut me off. I'm hurt. Hurt more than I've ever hurt before. I'm sorry for the things I said. They were said out of frustration and anger--no doubt derived by the situation and actions taken. They weren't directed towards your person but the person you were in those few moments. I didn't agree with the situation or actions taken...but I still loved you all the while. And I still love you. I would never give you the disservice to talk about you when you couldn't hear what was being said. If I say something, I will not go behind your back. I knew the door was open--I know the walls are paper thin--but I never meant to attack you. I was venting and words are words. It was how I was feeling at the moment: that you over reacted, and took irrational actions because of anger. I talked to your little not to turn him against you, but to try to save you from a decision that I thought would make your (as well as other's) life harder. I really was trying to help. All I knew was that you weren't listening to me and maybe you would listen to him. Maybe you would listen to your brother. I was afraid for you and the actions that you could take. That was my motivation, my sole motivation in talking to your little about talking to you.
As for the man in the attack, I could care less how you handle that. It was another decision I didn't trust you to make out of anger. I was only trying to intervene to save something that I thought was worth saving. If I had known that my actions there would have hurt our friendship, I wouldn't have even said his name in your presence. The only thing I care about and can control is our friendship; and now I care about how I can make this up to you. What steps I can take in order to help to heal the damage. I know there will always be a scar--it can't be prevented, but maybe one day we'll be able to look back on the scar...Maybe I will be able to see it someday, say I'm really sorry, and maybe you'll hug me and say just don't do it again.
I don't understand you, but I still love you. I never intentionally instigated. That one time the man in the attack, came down and met me and the person who now occupies your old room....I really didn't say anything. The man in the attack saw you--and said what he said on his own. The only thing I've ever said to the man in the attack about you has been when you have been angry at him. When your angry with someone, you owe them the respect, the respect they deserve as a human being, to tell them that your mad at them for this this and this. You're allowed to be mad, to be mad for as long as you want, but you owe them notice--so things like this don't happen. So people, including yourself, don't hurt as much when everything blows up. So your angers' shrapnel doesn't penetrate as deep, so your scars aren't as bold.
I told you I would never choose between you two: the man in the attack and the brother I've known for the past three years. I also told you I was still his friend. You should have told me then that that bothered you. I wouldn't have let you see it happen--the friendship--I would have protected you from it. (I wouldn't have enjoyed this secrecy...but I know that you are worth it. I would have done it for you.) Contrary to what you have said, I still haven't picked. You two are NOT equal. I place you above him. You are my brother. You mean a lot to me. Even through this I worry about you and how you are taking this. I worry about your hurt and wish I were there to try to comfort you. I NEVER MADE A CHOICE. I was just being, as I often am.
As for our mutual friend from the north, I left the room. I didn't know how to handle it. I physically and mentally shut down. It's something about my defense system that I don't like. When things like that happen, I separate myself from the situation. I thought that she was going to stop breathing.....I was scared....I sat in the hallway and stared on. I REALLY THOUGHT THAT THERE WAS A CHANCE I WOULD LOSE HER! I regret leaving her and going to Bob Evans. I was wrong here...but part of me knew that the danger was avoided and I couldn't help her sleep.
I am really and truly hurt by how you have handled this. It really sent me a message to how you've valued our three year friendship. How you could even imagine throwing this away, without trying to work things out, let alone talk things out, upsets me more than I can express.
To me, YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are worth my time and energy. You are worth my trouble. Most importantly, you are worth my fight as is our friendship. It also hurts to know that if I make a mistake, you won't flat out tell me. I feel friendship is saying, hey you fucked up--just don't do it again. If I do it again, that's when you can say well....we kinda already talked about this. I know now that if I fuck up--you're dropping me...dropping me without warning.
As a friend, I will always tell you when I don't agree with something you're doing or how you're reacting, but that doesn't change our relationship. Or at least it shouldn't. I can be your friend and support you without supporting all of your decisions or actions.
I will take responsibility. I WAS WRONG. I shouldn't have done many of the things I did. I shouldn't have spoken in frustration or anger. I should have let you have your beef with the man in the attack. I should have minded my own business and trusted your decisions. I should have let you know clearly that I support you. I should have let you know that you will always be my brother and no one could replace you or top you in that sense.
So, what do you hope to come of this? Do we just part ways and awkwardly see each other, or can we handle this in a different way? I miss you. The saddest part to me is that if this situation was happening between me and anyone else....I would be talking to you about it. You would be the one to make me feel better. Now, I can't go to you and I'm hurt; sad; upset.
Overall I'm hoping. I'm hoping that one day you'll be able to stand in the same room with me. I'm hoping that one day you'll let me sleep on your futon. I'm hoping that you still love me the way I love you. I am still going to love you....I am hoping that you still love me--and are willing to get past this. I'm hoping that I'm worth more to you than you're indicating now. Or maybe I just hope that at one point I was. That at one point I was worth fighting for (as I feel you are), and maybe it was that one moment in time that will bring you to say that perhaps I still am.
All I can say is that I know of me. My life.
I just live. Just as I often just am. Just as I often just do.
I can not plot to hurt. I can not scheme for my own benefit. (...and further more what benefit have you seen me to reap from this situation *losing my brother, tearing my family, hurting you hurting me being sorry but not regretting not understanding...the same misunderstanding of life and experiencing an unbeing of being. An existence without name after all is a negation of language; a negation of being. But here I am. I'm still breathing, I'm still going, I'm still here, I still feel, I....I....I don't want to make things worse. I don't trust what is pouring out of my heart right now, but I know it has to go somewhere. Here is where it will rest.
I hate making this about me. Because, in the end, it's about us. But you want nothing to do with us right now, so I'm left with no other choice. No other alternative. I know you aren't ready for us yet, but I'm waiting for it. I'm ready for us. I'm ready to talk--but you need your time, and I can't control how much you may need. I can only respect it. I will respect the way you've initiated this, even though I don't support it.
In lieu of what has happened- I will not recount- I will tell you everything me has to say. I go through stages; through waves of emotions; sadness, indifference, anger, confusion, frustration, relief, release, anxiety--nearly everything but happiness. This situation, in my opinion, doesn't allow any breed of happiness for anyone-- I say this in search of insight, not to denounce your feelings or how you are going about this---but what solution does your equation produce? I'll trust that a complete separation solves something, but what?
Me: me feels-- and the thoughts coursing through my brain are disconnected through the shock you presented. Here they are...
-completely blind sighted. You didn't confront me before you cut me off. I'm hurt. Hurt more than I've ever hurt before. I'm sorry for the things I said. They were said out of frustration and anger--no doubt derived by the situation and actions taken. They weren't directed towards your person but the person you were in those few moments. I didn't agree with the situation or actions taken...but I still loved you all the while. And I still love you. I would never give you the disservice to talk about you when you couldn't hear what was being said. If I say something, I will not go behind your back. I knew the door was open--I know the walls are paper thin--but I never meant to attack you. I was venting and words are words. It was how I was feeling at the moment: that you over reacted, and took irrational actions because of anger. I talked to your little not to turn him against you, but to try to save you from a decision that I thought would make your (as well as other's) life harder. I really was trying to help. All I knew was that you weren't listening to me and maybe you would listen to him. Maybe you would listen to your brother. I was afraid for you and the actions that you could take. That was my motivation, my sole motivation in talking to your little about talking to you.
As for the man in the attack, I could care less how you handle that. It was another decision I didn't trust you to make out of anger. I was only trying to intervene to save something that I thought was worth saving. If I had known that my actions there would have hurt our friendship, I wouldn't have even said his name in your presence. The only thing I care about and can control is our friendship; and now I care about how I can make this up to you. What steps I can take in order to help to heal the damage. I know there will always be a scar--it can't be prevented, but maybe one day we'll be able to look back on the scar...Maybe I will be able to see it someday, say I'm really sorry, and maybe you'll hug me and say just don't do it again.
I don't understand you, but I still love you. I never intentionally instigated. That one time the man in the attack, came down and met me and the person who now occupies your old room....I really didn't say anything. The man in the attack saw you--and said what he said on his own. The only thing I've ever said to the man in the attack about you has been when you have been angry at him. When your angry with someone, you owe them the respect, the respect they deserve as a human being, to tell them that your mad at them for this this and this. You're allowed to be mad, to be mad for as long as you want, but you owe them notice--so things like this don't happen. So people, including yourself, don't hurt as much when everything blows up. So your angers' shrapnel doesn't penetrate as deep, so your scars aren't as bold.
I told you I would never choose between you two: the man in the attack and the brother I've known for the past three years. I also told you I was still his friend. You should have told me then that that bothered you. I wouldn't have let you see it happen--the friendship--I would have protected you from it. (I wouldn't have enjoyed this secrecy...but I know that you are worth it. I would have done it for you.) Contrary to what you have said, I still haven't picked. You two are NOT equal. I place you above him. You are my brother. You mean a lot to me. Even through this I worry about you and how you are taking this. I worry about your hurt and wish I were there to try to comfort you. I NEVER MADE A CHOICE. I was just being, as I often am.
As for our mutual friend from the north, I left the room. I didn't know how to handle it. I physically and mentally shut down. It's something about my defense system that I don't like. When things like that happen, I separate myself from the situation. I thought that she was going to stop breathing.....I was scared....I sat in the hallway and stared on. I REALLY THOUGHT THAT THERE WAS A CHANCE I WOULD LOSE HER! I regret leaving her and going to Bob Evans. I was wrong here...but part of me knew that the danger was avoided and I couldn't help her sleep.
I am really and truly hurt by how you have handled this. It really sent me a message to how you've valued our three year friendship. How you could even imagine throwing this away, without trying to work things out, let alone talk things out, upsets me more than I can express.
To me, YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are worth my time and energy. You are worth my trouble. Most importantly, you are worth my fight as is our friendship. It also hurts to know that if I make a mistake, you won't flat out tell me. I feel friendship is saying, hey you fucked up--just don't do it again. If I do it again, that's when you can say well....we kinda already talked about this. I know now that if I fuck up--you're dropping me...dropping me without warning.
As a friend, I will always tell you when I don't agree with something you're doing or how you're reacting, but that doesn't change our relationship. Or at least it shouldn't. I can be your friend and support you without supporting all of your decisions or actions.
I will take responsibility. I WAS WRONG. I shouldn't have done many of the things I did. I shouldn't have spoken in frustration or anger. I should have let you have your beef with the man in the attack. I should have minded my own business and trusted your decisions. I should have let you know clearly that I support you. I should have let you know that you will always be my brother and no one could replace you or top you in that sense.
So, what do you hope to come of this? Do we just part ways and awkwardly see each other, or can we handle this in a different way? I miss you. The saddest part to me is that if this situation was happening between me and anyone else....I would be talking to you about it. You would be the one to make me feel better. Now, I can't go to you and I'm hurt; sad; upset.
Overall I'm hoping. I'm hoping that one day you'll be able to stand in the same room with me. I'm hoping that one day you'll let me sleep on your futon. I'm hoping that you still love me the way I love you. I am still going to love you....I am hoping that you still love me--and are willing to get past this. I'm hoping that I'm worth more to you than you're indicating now. Or maybe I just hope that at one point I was. That at one point I was worth fighting for (as I feel you are), and maybe it was that one moment in time that will bring you to say that perhaps I still am.
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